If you are arguing too much and not solving problems in your relationship, this FREE workshop will be helpful to you.

I will help you learn ways to calm yourself, speak and (mostly) listen more effectively, and create problem-solving strategies to help build intimacy and closeness in your relationships.

There are ways to resolve issues and have your relationship  prosper and thrive and I hope to teach you these skills during this workshop.

Designed for a comfortable, fun learning experience, the workshops are offered separately for men and women.

Here’s what you will learn:

• Why self-compassion is better than self-esteem (test how self-compassionate you are here).

• How chemicals produced by the brain (adrenaline and cortisol) “add fuel to the fire” during arguments making it difficult to resolve anything and leave you upset for hours, even days.

• How to use a “start over” method to interrupt escalating arguments giving you time to  calm down so you can communicate better.

• Utilize the “Emwave” stress reduction system to determine your own level of stress and practice research based relaxation skills such as conscious breathing, counting, progressive muscle relaxation, and calm place imagery.

• Explore and practice communication concepts and skills, including reflective listening, making “I” statements, and problem-solving.

• Identify the use of speaking-listening mistakes such as rehearsal, defensive listening, blaming and criticizing.

Participants will  learn in a comfortable, safe workshop setting using power-point,  video examples, a workbook handout, and discussion.

This workshop will serve as a basis for future workshops.

Pre-registration required

Cost:  FREE

Light refreshments will served.

Bill Martin, LCSW Info:

I’ve been an active therapist, teacher, writer,  and workshop leader for many years.

As part of the faculty for the Chicago Center for Family Health, I have led year long consultation groups, taught workshops, and supervised trainees.

Over the last few years, I have devoted more of my time to work with younger adults and couples. I use a communication method, similar to the focus of this workshop, to help couples improve communication, intimacy and problem-solving.

To register, send or email the completed form below:

Name:
Address:
Phone:
Email:

For more information, email Bill Martin at bmartin222@aol.com or call  312-409-0632

Brain Structure

Amygdala Animation

Cell communication

Stress

Sympathetic and Parasympathetic nervous systems

Building Brains 

Nervous System Cartoon

Implicit Memory Storage

Active Listening

Married Couple Communicating

Amygdala Hijack

Blaming damages relationships. It’s pretty simple.

I remember hearing a story about a couple who started therapy. After the first session, the therapist met with each partner individually to get a chance to hear each person’s story more fully.

When the therapist met with the husband, all he could do was complain his wife was the cause of all his problems.

She was “this and that and then some more.”

The therapist was accustomed to this process, so she gently asked the husband if he could hear how negative he was being towards his wife.

The husband looked at the therapist and saw a glimmer of the light.

How could his wife ever feel safe, comfortable, an intimate with him holding so many negative judgments and feelings toward her?

The path to better communication and happier relationships starts with each partner learning to accept personal responsibility and stop blaming the other.

There are many therapy exercises, like cognitive restructuring and the continuum exercise, that help partners take a deeper look at themselves, and begin the process of building happier and more intimate emotional and physical relationships.

It takes work, but it works, if you work it.

How do you like it when you are upset about something and your partner won’t even let you finish your train of thought.

They already have their denial or rebuttal already organized and “come at you” with their rationale about why you are wrong.

This is called rehearsal, and it means exactly what it sounds like. The person you want to understand you isn’t really listening.

Rehearsing is a very common listening mistake.

It’s pretty easy to spot too. The listener’s eyes tend to trail off and you can almost see their mind sorting through how they can defend themselves from what they feel is your attack.

Of course, you are only expressing your thoughts and feelings, which ultimately is more important to both of you than who is right.

In an intimate relationship, we need to be good listeners. We can’t just disagree and blast our partners by telling them they’re wrong.

We can disagree and still give our partners time to fully express themselves and then respectfully ask them to listen to “your side” of the story.

However, this is where the reflective listening process is so important. We show our partner we are listening by reflecting back what they are saying to us, not what we think of what they are saying.

Criticizing

Often explained as  “I am only telling the truth”,  criticism often leaves the listener feeling hurt, angry and possibly demeaned.

Here is an example: A husband is depressed over the state of the economy and how much money his family has lost.

His wife is tired of hearing about this, so one evening she says,

“You are chronically disappointed!”

Obviously, her husband knows he is depressed and is struggling to recover.

He will likely experience his wife’s comments as a personal attack. This can lead to an argument where both leave feeling angry and hurt.

The better response by the wife might sound like this:

“I know you are struggling with all this and I really understand how hard it is for you. Maybe we can do something to help you get your mind off this for now.”

She is acknowledging her husband’s feelings, not taking them too personally, and making a suggestion that can affirm her love for him and help her husband cope with the stress in his life.

When the husband hears the affirming message, he may see his wife as a source of support and love…which is a good thing.

Filtering

For example, you come home late again from work and your wife gets angry. She says, “I can not do this anymore. I have too much to do to wait for you to get home. And when you do get home, you just sit in front of the computer all night. You promise to change, but don’t.”

You are filtering if your first, automatic thought is, “What a controlling nag! Doesn’t she appreciate how hard I work to make money in this bad economy?”

The information your blocking is how much she loves you, wants you home, enjoys your company, may be overwhelmed, and desperate to find some solution to your pattern of making promises you don’t keep.

Unless these mistakes are corrected, we can go through life fighting all the time, or avoiding and ignoring each other.

Either way, it can be pretty unpleasant.

In the next series of posts,  I will begin to explain all the mistakes we make so anyone who is willing to spend a few minutes each week can become more knowledgeable and effective in helping their relationship be a little warmer, friendly and fun.

Cognitive restructuring

Unrealistic thoughts are often the cause of misunderstanding and conflict.

This exercise can be especially helpful if you and your spouse engage in escalating conflicts where you blame each other or feel intense feelings of being unloved.

The important concept is any intense feelings we experience have their origins both in the present and in the past. Feelings from the past are stored by the brain in complicated ways, not always easily understood by us in the heat of a conflict.
As I have said previously, our personal history matters. It would be too simplistic to assume otherwise.

Cognitive restructuring helps us create a map of our internal thought process and belief system and explore our personal life history influencing the development of our faulty thinking and beliefs.

Part of the creative therapy methods of the cognitive behavioral therapy model pioneered by Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and others, cognitive restructuring is a useful tool to help change unrealistic beliefs.

What are examples of irrational beliefs?

1. I am worthless.
2. No one loves me.
3. I will always be unhappy.
4. A relationship should not be such hard work.
5. Even though I drink a lot, my partner should not complain.
6. The best way to deal with someone who complains is to tune them out.
7. If people were not so needy, I would be much happier.
8. I will never get what I want.
9. I am right and they are wrong
10. My partner or spouse will never understand me.
11. She hurts my feelings a lot, but doesn’t mean to do it.
12. He drinks alcohol a lot, but he doesn’t have a drinking problem.

In Cognitive restructuring, the therapist helps the client identify and change irrational thinking or beliefs.

Usually, something happens that triggers a strong emotional response. Next, we have automatic negative thoughts or beliefs that cause emotional distress.

The challenge is to become aware enough to identify emotional triggers, automatic thoughts and create new toughts/beliefs that will help us cope more effectively.

In the cognitive therapy model, it is called the ABCDE method. Here it is:

• A = Activating events…we first become aware of situations which lead to strong emotional reactions.
• B = Beliefs or Automatic thoughts… repetitious thoughts/beliefs (positive or negative) we have about ourselves as a result of some activating event
• C = Consequences of these beliefs…our response to our beliefs/automatic thoughts, including self-affirming and self-defeating behaviors
• D = Debate or challenging…more systematic evaluation of our beliefs/automatic thoughts, including looking for scientific, observable data to confirm or refute our beliefs
• E = Effective behavior…developing a more effective response to the activating event based on the systematic research/evaluation of our core beliefs/automatic thoughts.

So, therapeutic use of cognitive restructuring focuses more on negative or irrational beliefs.

The goal is explore and identify more complex ways to understand ourselves, challenging situations, and develop more effective ways of responding.

Let’s try a CR exercise:

Pretend that you just had an argument with a significant other.
The argument left you feeling angry, disappointed, frustrated, and resentful.

The A = Activating Event is the argument with the significant other.

Remember, activating events are situations in daily life that trigger strong feelings in us.

As a result of this activating event, you will begin to have B = Beliefs or Automatic Thoughts. You tend to have these automatic thoughts repeatedly in situations like this.

These automatic thinking process may be referred to as a circular, negative feedback loop.

It occurs over and over again, reinforcing your inability to cope and sense of hopelessness…main ingredients of depression and anxiety problems.
Some examples of negative automatic thoughts you might have include:

1. He will never understand me.
2. He is insensitive to my feelings.
3. He is always like this.
4. He is so frustrating.
5. He is selfish.
6. Winning an argument is more important to him than being right or wrong.
7. He is a bully.
8. He is irrational, I will never get through to him.
9. He is just like his mother.
10. I am helpless.
11. This relationship is hopeless.

Therapeutic work in cognitive restructuring focuses on repetitive negative thoughts (automatic thoughts can also be positive).
As a result of the beliefs or automatic thoughts we experience, there is a C = Consequence. This is the “what we do…how we behave in response to these automatic thoughts.

Often what we do is called the “fight or flight” process. We either fight or run away.

Most of the clients I work with flee, avoid or do anything not to experience the stress related to whatever activating event has triggered them.
Whether it is “flight or fight”, our brain signals the adrenal glands to produce high levels of adrenaline and other stress chemicals.

This intense adrenaline rush is helpful if we have to fight or run from something threatening, but horrible if we are just having an argument with someone we care about.
If we experience higher levels of adrenaline, we likely to be less able to cope effectively with the activating event or stressful situation.

One way we can begin to cope more effectively is to D = Debate or challenge our automatic thoughts which are often based in emotion, rather than realistic data.

Here the steps include the following:

• How accurate are my beliefs?
• Am I distorting any data?
• What do I really know is true?
• What data supports my beliefs?
• What data contradicts my beliefs?
• How much are my beliefs assumptions I am making?
• What can I do to clarify my thinking?
• Who can I talk to help clarify any confusion about this?
• What would happen if I just asked my significant other to answer some questions so I could better understand them?
• Is there any research data or expert opinions I can explore to help me with this dilemma?

Write down your answers to these questions. Use the new data to develop a new, more realistic set of beliefs.

With a more realistic set of beliefs, you are ready to develop an E = Effective plan of action.

This is an exercise best done in writing. Writing will allow you to more fully develop your ideas, remember details, and work with the data you collect.

Using the argument example, you might develop new beliefs such as:

1. He loves me, but gets frustrated easily.
2. He feels criticized by me, so I have to be careful in the way I speak to him.
3. Maybe I get too emotional when I drink wine at night, so I should cut back or not initiate serious discussions when drinking.
4. If I listen better, maybe he will talk to me more.
5. I need to know where my bottom line is. Yelling at him doesn’t do any good. I need to just tell him what I expect and the consequence if he does not comply. Then I need to follow through on what I say. Otherwise, he will not know I am serious.

So, the effective plan for me is to reach out to him when he is able to talk comfortably with me.

I will listen better and just be clear about what I want without criticizing him or raising my voice.

I need to make sure he knows I am serious by stating my expectation and what I will do if he does not comply.

Look next for the Cognitive Restructuring worksheet.